That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
