Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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