Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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