You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
