Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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