I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
