Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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