he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We left the knife in your bed.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
