I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
