Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
