Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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