How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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