Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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