I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
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I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
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I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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