I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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