is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
