we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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