all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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