i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
