i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
