the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
