I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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