i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
