South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
