i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
