I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
