words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
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I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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