Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
