I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
