So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
