This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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