Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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