It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't deserve a penis
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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