Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
