I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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