Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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