My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
