I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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