people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
