I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
