so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
