ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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