I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
