You're so nebulous sometimes
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
