We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
