When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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