all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
