see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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