Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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