my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
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Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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