I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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