I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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