I just threw up on my dentist
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
