Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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