i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
