If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
