If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
