So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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