***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
