Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
