The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
