dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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